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Most of us have been there – that moment when you hope that you’re about to have an orgasm that will change your life, but then something stops it from happening.
The lucky few are then left with a so-so orgasm, while for others the moment completely passes. It can leave you feeling very frustrated. How to have an orgasm every time? There is a way. “Unfortunately, there’s such a thing as half an orgasm,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. But, luckily, there’s a way to stop this happening, you just need some practise. And this is where investing in one the best vibrators can help.
In fact, using a sex toy can help you orgasm for longer, with a survey by Lovehoney finding that, on average, a woman’s orgasm lasts 23.3 seconds with a sex toy compared with 19.9 seconds manually. It’s those extra few seconds that can make a big difference!
“As you become more sexually experienced, you will become better at controlling your orgasms,” says Annabelle. “You can take the level of arousal right up to the point of orgasm before temporarily disengaging with physical contact. After a short break, you can resume stimulation. This stop-start process is known as ‘edging’. Many people say they experience a more intense and prolonged orgasm by having ‘almost orgasms’ before finally having a full one.”
Here’s how to have an orgasm that will change your life every time:
How to have an orgasm every time
Having a better orgasm can feel great, so women shouldn’t feel guilty about prioritising their own orgasm. “You may feel flushed or warm, and experience rapid muscle spasms all over your body, but mainly concentrated in the genital areas,” says Annabelle. “When you’re aroused, your heart beats faster, your breathing quickens, your nipples become erect and your genitals become engorged with blood. As arousal climbs, these sensations increase until you orgasm. About 10% of women also ejaculate during an orgasm.”
Want to make sure you experience this sensation every time? The right partner is key. “You experience the best orgasm you’ve ever had with someone who understands your body and knows how to bring out the best in you sexually,” says Annabelle. “This doesn’t necessarily have to be a long-term partner. Some people know instinctively what works for a new lover and the joy of sleeping with someone new can give you the best sex ever.”
Why setting the scene is essential
While it’s hard to guarantee good sex, you can help set the scene to ensure you have a better orgasm. “You need an environment you are comfortable in,” says Annabelle. “This could be the bedroom or possibly another setting if you are feeling more adventurous – and a partner that you desire. It helps, too, if there are no interruptions.”
There are easy ways you can enhance the setting. “Think about changing the lighting, adding some scented candles and even putting champagne on ice if you are feeling extravagant,” says Annabelle.
And, as soon as this becomes too much of a regular routine, then mix it up again. “One of the biggest barriers to a better orgasm is routine, so I am all in favour of varying the settings,” recommends Annabelle. “Pick a different room in the house each week for sex to add an element of surprise. Try it:
- In front of the bathroom mirror.
- On the stairs. The difference in height can aid some positions and make G-spot stimulation easier to achieve, so you’ll be sure to have a better orgasm.
- Outside. Just remember that sex in public place is illegal, but there are plenty of al fresco locations where you can enjoy intimacy without anyone seeing you.
How to have an orgasm? Find the right position
Finding the right position can make a big difference if you’re after a better orgasm, or even one that will change your life.
With a partner:
“Research shows that both sexes tend to climax most easily during intercourse by having sex from behind, also known as doggy position,” says Annabelle. “It’s the UK’s most popular sex position, chosen by 42% of respondents in a survey by Lovehoney. Doggy is a great position for women who enjoy deep penetration and G-spot stimulation during intercourse. The next most popular was missionary, followed by cowgirl (her on top).”
- Basic on your back. “This is the most popular,” says Annabelle. “It’s when a woman simply lies down and reaches between her legs with her hands or with a toy.”
- Lazy solo lover. “This position involves sitting upright while resting against a stack of pillows or the side of the bed,” says Annabelle. “You are closer to your bits, making self-penetration easier.”
- Flick and fly. “This is basically the lotus position, where a woman is seated with her legs splayed to the sides and bent so that the ankles are just in front of the genitals,” says Annabelle. “This creates tension in the pelvic-floor muscles.”
- Mirror, mirror. “This is another seated position,” says Annabelle. “It involves being in front of a mirror so you get a great view of the action. You can experiment with different rhythms, strokes and patterns.”
Why you need to be relaxed to have an orgasm that will change your life
Feeling too stressed to have sex? You’re not the only one, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an orgasm that will change your life.
“Sex is certainly better when you are relaxed, but being chilled is not a prerequisite of a great orgasm,” says Annabelle. “As you get more sexually confident, you should feel more relaxed during sex. This confidence comes from having a sexual rapport with your lover – knowing their likes and dislikes and what really turns you both on. We are all a little nervous the first time we sleep with someone new. This is entirely normal and nothing to worry about.”
Pick a vibrator to help you orgasm
Using a vibrator can increase your chances of having a better orgasm, or even one that will change your life. “You cannot go wrong with a vibrator, which can be bought for as little as £10 from a reputable retailer such as Lovehoney,” says Annabelle. “Studies have shown that 80% of women climax more easily with a sex toy than manually. The beauty of the vibrator is they come in different shapes, sizes and forms to meet any woman’s needs.”
Not sure which one to try? A great vibrator for beginners is a bullet vibrator. This is because they are small and discreet, but they pack a lot of power.
Want to try something different? “As you get more confident, try a rabbit vibrator,” says Annabelle. “It’s a penetrative toy which also has an attachment (shaped like a rabbit’s ears) on the shaft for clitoral stimulation. This allows users to enjoy a blended orgasm by stimulating the G-spot at the same time. In fact, research from Lovehoney found that women achieved orgasms that were 17% longer when they masturbated with one of the best rabbit vibrators, rather than just with their hands.
Worried about not having an orgasm? When to see your GP
Not had an orgasm in a while, if at all? Don’t worry. “Only around a quarter of women can orgasm during intercourse without added clitoral stimulation,” says Annabelle. “This is how we arrive at the famous ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women, because around 95% of men orgasm every time they have intercourse without any issue. The figure for women rises to around two-thirds if intercourse is combined with clitoral stimulation.”
If you are experiencing painful sex you may want to see your GP. “Between 10 and 15% of women never experience orgasms even if they do enjoy physical intimacy, according to research,” says Annabelle. “So, it is worth seeing your doctor or an experienced sex counsellor who may be able to recommend new techniques to improve your chances of orgasm. Discomfort or friction during sex is one of the main reasons why some women struggle to climax. This can be alleviated with the use of lubricants. One of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that lube is only for older women or those who struggle to self-lubricate. Lube improves sex for all ages.”
Don’t be shy about seeing a therapist
And talking to someone, such as a sex therapist or counsellor, could also help. “There could be psychological reasons why a woman struggles to orgasm,” says Annabelle. “It could, perhaps, be related to a lack of sexual confidence. Again, it is worth seeking expert help if you think this may apply to you because these barriers to orgasm can be overcome and a more fulfilling sex life achieved.”
How long does it take to orgasm?
Want a better orgasm that will change your life, but not sure you have time? How long it takes a woman to orgasm can vary.
“It really depends on the individual and their moods, plus how soon you have had sex previously,” says Annabelle. “It tends to take longer to climax the second time you have sex, but sex is not like boiling an egg – there is not a set time to get it exactly as you want. Sometimes you want that egg hardboiled – and the sex lasts longer – and sometimes only a runny egg will do (the sexual equivalent of a quickie). Some of the most intense orgasms you can achieve can be experienced after less than two minutes stimulation. Similarly, you can delay your orgasm for up to an hour and experience the most explosive orgasm ever. Each experience can suit you well depending on your mood.”